From our thoughts to our body parts, it’s ironically very normal to worry that we’re not normal. Whilst many of us grew up watching sex scenes pretty much exclusively showing people who find it very easy to get into the mood, jump straight into penetrative sex and enjoy it from the get go, the reality is that everyone’s experience of libido is different – and that your sex drive (or lack thereof) can fluctuate over the course of your life.
In a recent survey of over 2,000 women, trans and non binary people, we found that the majority (50%) said that in an ideal world they would have sex a few times a week, and 18% said they would ideally do it once a week. Whilst 67 (3%) people said they would ideally do it more than once a day, 48 (2%) said they’d ideally never have sex.
When asked how often on average they were having sex, 35% said they were doing it a few times a month and 24% a few times a week. One hundred and seventy two (8%) said they were never having sex compared to just thirty three who said they were doing it at least once a day (1.6%).
What is asexuality?
Our survey shows that people vary wildly when it comes to sexual desire and sexual practice. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with not wanting to have sex very often or not wanting to have it at all: it’s your life, and what makes you feel comfortable and fulfilled is what matters.
Asexuality is a sexual orientation where the person feels little or no sexual attraction. Twenty one (a little over 1%) of the people we surveyed identify as asexual, which is in line with how many people in the general population are estimated to be asexual. Asexuality is a spectrum and can look different for different people.
The asexual spectrum has two orientations: sexual orientation and romantic orientation. One person may identify as asexual and feel no sexual desire, but still experience romantic love and seek out romantic partners. Another person may identify as aromantic but experience sexual desire and seek out sexual partners. Other people may feel sexual arousal but prefer self pleasure rather than partnered sex. There are also demisexual people who need a close emotional bond to experience romantic and sexual attraction, and graysexual and grayromantic people who experience sexual and/or romantic attraction sometimes or under specific circumstances.
You don’t need to experience sexual or romantic attraction to live a whole and fulfilling life. A lack of sex drive is only an issue if you feel that it is, for example if you want to have a higher sex drive and feel like you’re missing out if you don’t. If you are used to experiencing sexual desire but feel that it’s been lacking lately, then you may want to explore possible reasons for it.
What are some reasons you might be lacking in sex drive (apart from asexuality)?
“Libido or sex drive can be affected by how women feel about themselves and how they feel about their vaginas,” says Julianne Arena, MD, FACOG, ABAARM and Cliovana Practitioner (double board certified physician)*. “This leads to the next layer – how they think about their partner and relationship, then lifestyle factors as simple as how much sleep they get. Add on fluctuating hormones throughout a woman’s life, stress, anxiety, and other health issues, and there are numerous challenges to achieving a healthy libido. The vital thing to note is that things can be done to increase sex drive, and with a multi-pronged approach, libido can be addressed.”
Everyone can experience changes in their sex drive over time. Women and people with uteruses may find that their sex drive is affected by their menstrual cycle, menopause, if they are pregnant and other life changes.
“Hormonal changes during your menstrual cycle may affect your sex drive,” says Julianne. “Oestrogen levels drop when you’re on your period and slowly rise during the follicular phase, which causes a spike in libido. About two weeks later during ovulation, testosterone and oestrogen levels are at their highest and get you in the mood for sex. Post ovulation, these levels drop and can decrease your sex drive.”
Some people find that certain medications, such as anxiety and depression medication, can have an effect on their sex drive. Some people may find that taking hormonal contraception affects their libido, although others may experience no change. If you feel that your libido has decreased since taking birth control and it’s been longer than a few months (as it can take a little while for your body to get used to the medication) then speak to your doctor or pharmacist.
“For women going through perimenopause and menopause, the impact on their sex drive can be profound,” says Julianne. “During the years leading up to menopause, a woman’s body begins to make less oestrogen, progesterone and sometimes testosterone. This hormonal imbalance can cause her to experience symptoms like hot flashes, vaginal dryness and painful intercourse, sleep problems and mood swings. The fluctuating hormone levels that occur around menopause can trigger a variety of behavioural problems, including depression and anxiety. Studies show that these issues are related to oestrogen and progesterone deficiencies; when oestrogen levels decrease significantly, it can cause an imbalance in the brain’s chemistry that results in negative thoughts or feelings, and a decreased sex drive as a result.”
Sometimes your lack of sex drive is affected by your life circumstances or relationship changes. It makes perfect sense that if you are going through a rough patch with your partner and you are feeling less intimacy, connection and/or emotional safety that you may feel less sexual desire. You may also feel less sexual desire if you’ve been in the same relationship for a long time and you’re feeling over-familiar or bored – spicing things up, trying something new or even having sex in a new location can help if this is the case. Stress, anxiety, depression, drugs and alcohol can also reduce your sex drive.
Can you increase your sex drive?
To reiterate, you don’t need to increase your sex drive unless you want to. If you would like to experience more sexual desire, you may find it helpful to speak to a doctor who can help rule out any underlying factors which may be affecting your libido. From vaginismus to things like an underactive thyroid, it can help to get medical intervention. You may also find talking therapies beneficial, as there may be an underlying psychological block around sex that you may be able to explore with a professional.
Kegals (pelvic floor exercises) can improve blood circulation to the pelvic floor and vagina, which may increase arousal and lubrication. “Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy involves working with targeted exercises that can help your pelvic muscles relax and get stronger, which can help to relieve pain during sex,” says Julianne. “Painful sex hinders sex drive, so it is key to address the pain in order to improve the drive. Additionally, strengthening your pelvic floor muscles can improve blood flow to the genital area and enhance sexual pleasure. Kegel exercises, which involve contracting and relaxing the muscles around the vagina, can be beneficial.”
If vaginal dryness is making sex uncomfortable or unpleasant, you may find using lube helpful. Remember that oil based lubes can make condoms more likely to break, so use water based lube if you are using barrier protection. Stress management, exercise, better sleep and drinking more water could also have a beneficial effect on your libido.
How do I tell my partner about my lack of sex libido?
It’s not uncommon for partners to have different levels of libido, and for one partner to desire sex more frequently than the other. Honest, non-judgemental communication is really important in these situations, so that neither party ends up feeling shamed or unheard.
“Feeling connected to your partner is crucial for feeling “in the mood,” says Julianne. “Date again, invest in talking, practise other acts of intimacy like kissing and focus on affectionate touch. Strengthening the emotional and physical connection can then help boost sex drive. If it is difficult to communicate about sex, ask your doctor for a referral to a health professional who specialises in sexual dysfunction. Sex is a mind and body experience; opening up with a partner and discussing barriers is integral to getting to a place of fulfilling sex for women.”
When thinking about libido, it can be helpful to think about whether you and your partner(s) experience more spontaneous or responsive desire. People with spontaneous desire may spontaneously get in the mood without the need for build up, whereas people with responsive desire may be more likely to want sex if sexual intimacy has been initiated. People with responsive desire may be less likely to initiate because they are less likely to be spontaneous in the mood. It can be helpful to talk to your partner(s) about how you experience desire so that you understand each other better and are less likely to take things personally.
“When discussing matters of intimacy with your partner, honesty and open communication are crucial,” says Julianne. “Share your feelings and experiences honestly. Explain what you’ve observed about your libido and how it’s affecting you. Reassure your partner that this is not a reflection of their desirability or attractiveness; reiterate your love and commitment to the relationship. Avoid blaming or criticising; focus on your feelings and experiences rather than assigning blame. Discuss possible solutions together if you’re comfortable doing so; this might involve seeking advice from a healthcare professional, trying new things in the bedroom, or finding ways to increase intimacy in non-sexual ways. Remember that this conversation may be challenging for both of you; approach it with empathy, patience, and willingness to work together towards mutually satisfying solutions.”
Remember that everyone is unique. Your experience of sexual desire may change over the course of your life and may be different with different partners. A lack of sexual desire is only an issue if you think it is, so before panicking consider how important sexual desire is to you; not everyone wants to have sex, some want sex less than others, and that’s perfectly okay.
*Julianne Arena does not endorse any products or brands.
Hana® 75µg film-coated tablets contains desogestrel and is an oral contraception for women of child bearing age to prevent pregnancy. Always read the instructions on the package leaflet carefully.
